I’m a forty-eight year old woman with two daughters, one in college, the other already living on her own. I divorced their father many years ago, when the girls were eight and twelve. In the years since, I’ve been in romantic relationships with other men, none of them very happy. Now finally I’ve met the love of my life, a man I can really connect with, who shares the same values and lifestyle, has similar opinions and point of view, similar goals, similar everything. I’m happy! I go around on cloud 9. The only problem is my girls don’t want to share me with this man and say they don’t like him. I wanted them to come to Thanksgiving with him and me and they refused. They say they won’t come to Christmas either. If I ask why they don’t like him, they can’t come up with reasons other than that he’s fat. What BS. I think they’re just jealous of my happiness (they never complained about the other men I was with who made me unhappy). Can you please tell me how to fix this problem? I feel like they’re grown and out of the house and this is my time.
Bullied by Daughters
You’re right: your daughters are jealous. Why? They’re used to having Mommy all to themselves. Boo hoo. They can’t deal with the insecurity of sharing their mother with someone else, a man she might truly love (and who might take her away from them). Too bad for them. My suggestion? Ignore them and don’t make a big thing of this. The girls are grown and out of the house. As you yourself pointed out, this is your time and it’s up to you to choose relationships that make you happy and not listen to your daughters’ negative opinions. Believe me, they’ll come ‘round as soon as they realize you’re not falling for their BS. So be strong and true to yourself and bask in the love of this wonderful new relationship.
I wish you the best,
REACTIONS TO DESPERATE ROOMMATE
CD Knowles is right: you are your problem and not your roommate and you should go straight to Al-Anon where you will learn how to detach from a troubled personality and put the focus on yourself. It’s a bit of a learning curve, but you’ll get there, I promise.
Celia B., Portland, OR
Whew! All that exercising! From my experience, it’s very difficult to live with an addict (eating disorders are always obsessive in nature). I agree with Knowles that you should take a good, hard, objective look at yourself and start asking questions about your own behavior. Otherwise you risk falling into the same patterns with people over and over again. You will find no end of good Al-Anon meetings and good therapists in the New York area.
Harold S., New York, NY
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Disclaimer: CD Knowles is not a doctor or psychotherapist. Any opinions expressed on Knowles Knows are just that — opinions.