I met a girl online and really kind of fell in love with her. She was smart, beautiful, funny and had a terrific outgoing personality. I work for an investment company in Manhattan. She’s a digital marketer, thirty-six years old, very good at her job. I’m kind of quiet and nerdy, she knows a ton of people and is always out running around. We went out for nearly a year, didn’t move in together, but stayed at each other’s apartments several times a week. Soon I began to feel she knew too many people and was running around too much, parties, events, meetings, gatherings — it was happening all the time and she was in the middle of it, whatever it was, all the time. If there was a party, she had to be there — it would make her crazy to miss it. But if she went to one particular party, she wouldn’t stay long because, of course, there was another party and another and another and she had to be seen at each. Pretty soon I realized she couldn’t bear missing out on the action wherever and whatever it happened to be. Because of this she’d over-schedule appointments with friends (and sometimes clients) and end up never having enough time for anyone, including me. It was making me crazy, so I decided to stop seeing her for a while. But now I miss her and don’t know what to do — go back to her and get caught up in all that craziness or forget the whole thing. What I really want is for her to calm down a little and make a serious commitment to me and a life together. Can you give me your thoughts, please?
Confused and Exhausted
It may be possible to change yourself, but not another person. If you are drawn to this girl’s excitement and energy, go for it … but know that you can’t change her personality or her need to go out and about and be seen everywhere. That’s just part of who she is. If you ask her to stay home and have quiet nights with you on a regular basis, you run the risk of losing her, though it would be an interesting experiment. My suggestion — if you really want to be with this girl — would be compromise: several nights a week out to parties, several spent quietly with you. See what happens. Most likely, unless you have the same frantic energy she has, you will continue to be confused and exhausted. But I hope not and it’s always worth a try.
REACTIONS TO CLOSED LEGS, WARM HEART
Sounds like you could be happy with this guy. I know plenty of older people who have very active sex lives. If I were you, I’d try and have sex with him — might turn out a lot better than you think.
Joey S. New Braunfels, TX
Wow I so understand how you feel not wanting to have sex anymore. Once those days are over, they’re over. Don’t let anyone cajole you into doing something you don’t want. Tell your new friend to take care of himself on his own if he wants to enjoy a nice companionable relationship with you. All the best,
Grace T., Mayopac, NY
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Disclaimer: CD Knowles is not a doctor or psychotherapist. Any opinions expressed on Knowles Knows are just that — opinions.