My wife and I met by chance when we were both looking for a cab during a snowstorm in New York City. It seemed pre-ordained and we fell in love immediately. I thought she was the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen and from everything she said I assumed we were on the same page — that she loved camping and travel as much as I did, that she liked to cook and entertain, stay up till all hours talking, making love, watching movies, that she wanted at least three children, loved dogs, enjoyed skiing, hiking, going to ball games. We married three months after we met, and then the shock set in. My wife, who has inherited some family money, likes to sleep late. She refuses to cook or clean (I’ve had to hire a housekeeper), doesn’t like sports, won’t travel unless we stay in deluxe hotels, and won’t go to the pound to look for a dog (she wants something fancy, pedigreed and expensive). As for children, she only wants one and would be happy to put off getting pregnant for as long as possible. What should I do? I still love her, but she’s not the person I thought she was.
Well, you still love her, so that’s something. I get a lot of questions about love and from my observation, falling in love at first sight (as you more or less did), can lead to all sorts of disappointments and surprises, but one fairly reliable constant is there is almost always strong chemistry. And strong chemistry, in my opinion, can lead to a very workable (if occasionally stormy) relationship. So, my advice to you is hang in there. You disagree on many things, but these can rapidly change as life takes over. For instance, one child can lead to two, or a rescue dog that’s actually a purebred or incredibly cute can lead to trips to the pound in the future. I’m not so sure about the travel, but camping might grow on your wife if she at least tries it out once. As for cooking and cleaning… if you can afford a housekeeper, I’d leave it at that. Finally, I’d be a lousy advice columnist if I didn’t suggest a few therapy sessions for you and your wife to iron out some of these problems.
Good luck to you,
REACTIONS TO READY FOR LOVE
Good luck to you. I looked all over for my husband and every date I went on was a bust. You know how I finally found him? I was in a service station wanting to fill up my car, and I couldn’t get the pump to work. There was this nice man filling his car at the next pump and he stopped to help me. We got to talking and the rest is history.
Jessica R., Atlanta, GA
I watch everybody struggle to find their perfect mate, running from person to person and getting their feelings hurt. In my culture, marriages are arranged and I think that’s much the easiest system. I have been with my beautiful wife for almost ten years and we’ve been happy in every way. I wish you the best.
Abner B., Brooklyn, NY
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Disclaimer: CD Knowles is not a doctor or psychotherapist. Any opinions expressed on Knowles Knows are just that — opinions.