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People Not Dying — What Next?

Boyd Taylor 5 years ago

People aren’t dying in Austin?

September 10, 2018 was a significant day for Austin. No deaths were reported in the Austin American-Statesman.

“In all likelihood, this means great changes for America,” said Dr. Pythagoras Euclid Smythe-Jones, noted University of Texas mathematician and pollster for U.S. politicians and business interests.

“If this trend of people not dying continues, and it appears that it will, I project 2.6 million more old people in the population each year, mostly white Anglos,” Smythe-Jones went on to explain. “The political and social impact of those people not dying is enormous. Think of the strain on the Medicare system. And those people who don’t die will vote. This is significant because there are only so many dead votes the system can accommodate, except in Illinois. I am advising my political candidate clients to adjust their campaigns at once to appeal to the not dying.”

Smythe-Jones also had advice for his business clients. “Short funeral homes and crematoriums,” said Smythe-Jones. “Buy nursing homes and electric wheelchairs. That’s where the action will be.”

The next day brought a wildly different outcome. The American-Statesman printed forty obituaries, twice the usual number.

“Oh, well, never mind” said Smythe-Jones.

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