honoring the University of Pennsylvania’s
most distinguished alumnus
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PHILADELPHIA—A group of somewhat prominent Red and Blue alumni have written to Amy Gutmann, the University of Pennsylvania’s longtime president, praising her “steadfast loyalty” to Donald J Trump W’68 during his troubled presidency, urging her to negotiate a licensing deal that would allow the University to build a presidential archive and hotel in his honor.
Recalling the many times Trump cited his degree from the University’s prestigious Wharton School of Finance and Commerce as proof he is a “stable genius,” the alumni group said there is “no reason to be ashamed” of Trump’s association with the University.
“Why cry over spilt milk now,” the alums told Gutmann, citing their previous concerns about Wharton’s failure to provide its most distinguished alumnus with an appreciation of science; basic knowledge of history; respect for rule of law; and little more than passing acquaintance with grammatically correct written and spoken English.
“It is what it is,” they reassured Gutmann, on the off-chance she may have regrets about covering up the admissions scandal that allowed Trump to spend two years at Wharton and receive the degree he continues to cite as evidence of his qualifications to be president.
“The University can be proud of what it did instill in the President,” the alumni group said, “his concern for the plight of the white working class; commitment to law and order; never-ending commitment to remaining president; and, above all, the leadership and crisis management skills he demonstrated by working tirelessly to deny responsibility for the China virus while reassuring his supporters they had nothing to worry about, it would go away by itself.”
The alumni group said a fitting way to honor the President would be to offer him a licensing deal that would permit the University to use his name on a new multiuse structure to be built on campus in his honor.
“We know captains of industry and real estate developers usually pay for naming rights,” the alums said in their letter. “To avoid controversy, we suggest the University disguise the fee as a contribution to the President’s legal defense fund.”
The proposed building would include a replica of the Trump Tower lobby, with its historic golden escalator as a central feature; a Fox & Friends TV Room with monitors replaying the President’s and Kellyanne Conway’s most important call-ins and studio interviews; a complete archive of his tweets; and several soundproof booths for scholars and prosecutors undertaking appropriate research.
The upper floors would house a Trump hotel with 150 suites decorated by Ivanka; Mar-a-Lago Ballroom; fake news shop; Putin Bar, serving blinis and vodka honoring the President’s special relationship with Russia; and Melania Spa, with a co-ed exercise room and West Philadelphia’s first miniature golf course.
“Madame President,” the letter concluded, “we hope you’ll take our proposal seriously.”
DONALD J TRUMP PRESIDENTIAL ARCHIVE
AND ALL-SUITE HOTEL
Be the first to try a vodka highball in the Putin Bar
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