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Weather Bureau Putsch!

Charles Krause 1 week ago

swamp report

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This collage by Jerzy Janiszewski, created in 1996 by the artist who
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weather bureau

Swamp Exclusive


Editor’s note: It’s come to this: the National Weather Service was forced to disavow its own accurate weather forecasts to satisfy a President who can’t stand being corrected even when he’s dead wrong and when his tweet, warning Alabamans that Hurricane Damion was heading toward them, might well have caused panic and loss of life had the Weather Service not acted quickly to correct it. This report is based on an insider’s observations of the madness in Swampland and a close reading of Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll.

Damion’s Collateral Damage?

WASHINGTON—The Swamp has learned that Our Leader had decided to seize control of the National Weather Bureau long before the battle over his Alabama forecasts escalated from a category 1 tempest, initially contained in a crockpot, to a category 5 tsunami that’s now taken down the Weather Bureau.

Speaking on background because Attorney General Barr has warned Our Leader that he may not be able to bail the First Family out of another impeachable offense, our White House sources say Our Leader’s tweet was not the result of a misreading of Damion’s expected path but rather a deliberate misstatement and a kind of loyalty test to see how the Weather Bureau would react.

Still fuming about the Bureau’s leak of his secret plan to fire nuclear-tipped missiles at Damion to destroy the hurricane before it reached the United States, the somewhat condescending tone of the Weather Bureau’s bulletin, contradicting his Alabama forecast, was the final straw, according to our sources.

It convinced him of something Steve Bannon told him before he was fired for saying he thought Ivanka was an airhead, which was the Weather Bureau meteorologists were conspiring with the Democrats to undermine his Administration’s position that climate change is nothing more than a hoax to bankrupt wealthy Republican donors like the Koch Brothers (may one of them rest in peace) and to make it more difficult for the Russians to re-elect him next year.

weather bureau

Do we need a weatherman to know which way the wind’s blowing?
Dorothy Fall’s exquisite ink monoprint, Enveloping the World, is enough.
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Our Leader became convinced that ridding the Weather Bureau of its meteorologists would put an end to what he refers to as climate change “hysteria” —because there would be no more of the scientific and statistical evidence the Dems would otherwise try to use to convince voters to vote against him, our sources said.

Causing panic in a backward Red state like Alabama, Our Leader decided, was well worth doing if it provided an excuse for getting rid of the meteorologists and neutralizing climate change, our sources said, adding that the purge will begin next week when the Administration will announce its plan to reorganize the Weather Bureau.

Using a tactic the Administration has used before but on a smaller scale, the plan calls for the Bureau’s meteorologists to be reassigned to posts at least 2,000 miles from where they currently work. They will then be required to assume their new positions by October 1st, the start of the government’s new fiscal year. Only those meteorologists who actually move before September 30th, the end of the current fiscal year, will be eligible for relocation benefits, which our sources said the White House expects will result in 90 to 95 percent of them taking early retirement or leaving the Bureau to work outside the government.

artificial intelligence

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Meanwhile, Jared Kushner will assemble a team of out-of-work Christian and Native American weathermen who will produce weekly weather forecasts for the country using ancient methods, such as the appearance of groundhogs in February and other natural phenomena. They will forecast weather “trends” but not issue the three-day, five-day and 10-day forecasts that cause golfers and other vacationers to cancel hotel reservations and corporations to cancel directors’ meetings when rain or other unpleasant weather is forecast.

These forecasts are especially damaging to hotels and golf resorts with convention facilities like the Trump National Doral Miami with its Donald J.Trump Grand Ballroom.

Rumored to be only marginally profitable before Our Leader became President, the resort is now thought to be underwater due to Our Leader’s crackdown on illegal immigrants, which forced Donald Junior to fire the dozens of underpaid illegals the resort employed and profited from; the noise from planes landing at the nearby Miami airport; and the increasingly accurate weather forecasts the Weather Bureau was proud of, until Damion defied Our Leader’s warning that it was headed for Alabama and the Weather Bureau fell into his trap by issuing a bulletin saying it wasn’t.

Beginning next week, our sources said, weather forecasts will be issued by the White House, not the Weather Bureau, and will be similar to Fox News news broadcasts, insofar as they will emphasize weather trends favorable to Our Leader’s hotels in each region of the country, while omitting any mention of storms or inclement weather until it has actually started.

trumpenstein

The Truth is often stranger than fiction.
Bryan Fernadez’s digital print, Trumpenstein, combines the two.
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Among other advantages, fewer and less precise weather forecasts are expected to sharply reduce the number of weather-related cancellations in Miami and allay concerns expressed by several G-7 governments about Our Leader’s plan to host next year’s G-7 meeting at the Doral hotel during hurricane season.

The State Department assured Our Leader, based on intelligence from the CIA, that without the forecasts, the other G-7 governments will be unable to use weather as a diplomatic way of bowing out of the meeting, which is key to returning the Doral hotel to profitability.

Meanwhile, the Kremlin assured the U.S. Embassy in Moscow last weekend that Russia’s president, Vladimir Putin, will attend the meeting “come hell or high water,” according to our sources. Although not definitive, the Kremlin’s choice of words was interpreted to mean the Russian leader would not be deterred by a hurricane, either.

Our Leader expects several of the Democrat presidential candidates (as they’re referred to at 1600) will be up in arms over his plan to reorganize the meteorologists out of their jobs, with its side benefit of rescuing the Doral before it sinks into a sea of red ink and rain. But our sources told The Swamp Our Leader is confident his plan to bring in Christian and Native American weathermen will turn the Democrats against each other, muddying the Swamp water Our Leader has proven time and again he knows how to swim in.

weather bureau

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He also expects his control of the weather forecasts to be seen by Holy Rollers, an important part of his base in the South and Midwest, as a miracle confirming his standing as God’s chosen candidate. Their votes and prayers, and the assault rifles they’re stockpiling, are a source of comfort to Our Leader, our sources said, as he continues to turn back the clock to the time when he and the Holy Rollers believe America was great.

Swamp Editorial


Is this the way to get to Again?

What Our Leader doesn’t seem to understand is that, by ordering Weather Bureau meteorologists — or anyone else responsible for U.S. government weather forecasts —- not to contradict anything he tweets about the weather, he’s not only damaging their credibility, he’s destroyed his own.

In the real world outside his bubble, facts matter. His forecast was wrong. The meteorologists’ forecast was right. That’s a fact.

Not an opinion. Not an arguable fact. A fact.

It’s also an almost-certain fact that no other agency of the U.S. government will dare to correct this President when he misstates a fact, as he does almost every day.

Now, not even his own acolytes, if they’re rational, will believe what he says.

His credibility is totally shot. And that’s frighteningly dangerous for us—and for him.

Because if there’s another deadly hurricane—or a disputed presidential election— and there’s no one We the People can trust to provide facts we can trust, we’re lost.

And so is he.

Some final thoughts…

protest

Protest by Branden Koch

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